*****Trigger warning, gun violence & PTSD***** 14 years ago today, the person I was before April 16, 2007, died. I remember walking to my friend’s car after the memorial which took place the day after the shootings, hearing a Nickelback song on the radio and recognizing that the world I had previously lived in was gone. It left without warning, without apology, and without the chance to say goodbye. I felt like a stranger in my own body, and I didn’t recognize the world that I was now living in. In one swift moment, I now knew that safety and control were an illusion, bad things happen to good people, and no, not everything happens for a reason. Things happen, often without reason, without logic, and without any fairness at all. Saying goodbye to family members as they left for work or school was never the same. Entering a classroom or any room with no exterior exits was never the same. Entertaining ideas about what my life would look like as I grew older, was never the same. After all, would I even grow old? It also became extremely difficult to socialize with anyone who had not also experienced that event. It was like I couldn’t navigate joining with anyone who hadn’t also realized that the world was awful and safety was nothing but an illusion. It was like what I defined as “regular people” couldn’t handle it. I would think to myself “how can I be here drinking this marg when 32 people are dead, and I got lucky?” And on the flip side…”okay I’ll have 6 margs because you only get one life so screw it.” It became challenging to be carefree, to go with the flow, to take any risks at all. It’s like my body thought if I wasn’t in control 100% of the time, or it experienced even the tiniest fragment of joy, my personal safety could be ripped away at any moment so why even go there? My body largely toggled between overall numbness and detachment and overwhelming sadness, anxiety and rage. There was not much of an in between. Everything felt so unsafe ALL THE TIME, but the hardest part was, I didn’t cognitively recognize any of this at the time. In fact, on the outside I was extremely high functioning. Good grades, check. Regular party going, check. Supportive boyfriend, check. Looked like I had my shit together, check. But I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t fully present in any part of my life, and I was unknowingly living in a constant state of anxiety and panic. When I did get help, my family history of anxiety and depression along with what I self described as overall anxiety was chalked up to being a pretty typical generalized anxiety disorder by the medical professionals that treated me. Great, except they were wrong. It wouldn’t be until over 10 years later that I fully recognized the impact that event (and unfortunately several others) had on my brain and my body. I had PTSD, and it was bad. I am not unique. Every survivor of an acute traumatic event will at some point be able to identify the loss of their “before” identity. This can take minutes, hours, days, or even years after an event. The you before a shooting and after is different. The you before war, and after war is different. The you before an assault and after an assault will be different. The you before your loss, and after your loss will be different. The you before the divorce, and after the divorce is different. The list goes on, but it is important for not only victims but their loved ones to recognize. Even more complicated, someone that experiences repeated traumatic events or complex trauma, may never have the chance to connect to any sense of self or identity at all because the world and how they experience it has become so fragmented and is endlessly unpredictable. They don’t have time to figure out who they are or how they want to show up in the world. They are busy surviving and that’s all their body can do. For many survivors they are often encouraged to work towards “getting back to normal.” While well intentioned, that’s a very hard thing for them to do because their normal is gone and it won’t be back. It also sets an unrealistic expectation that like a light switch their pain will one day be gone, they will all of a sudden return to their normal level of functioning. This is not how healing happens. Healing happens slowly over time and for some people can be a lifelong process. It’s a supportive process that requires the integration of the grief of what one once knew with the optimism and acceptance that life will move forward and a new self will emerge. That new self may still have pain, they may still have work to do, but they can have the capacity to feel safe in their bodies and in the world. Reestablishing safety is the most powerful part, because once we feel safe, our bodies and our minds become open to experience the full range of emotions, joy included. Even though I am a therapist, I am open with my clients that I have had my own life experiences, and I have had to do my own work. I cannot fathom asking someone to walk through their trauma journey with me, when I have not done the work myself. Thankfully, after several years of hard work in therapy, and a rock star support system I am in recovery from my PTSD. It is possible to heal and to step into a new sense of self, one that is integrated with your trauma. I work hard every day to help support my clients in seeing this as true for themselves. I firmly believe that everyone is worth the effort it takes to find joy and they do not have to do it alone. For those who are suffering from trauma, and are working towards reconciling who they were before, and who they are now know I offer this: Give yourself space and time to grieve your former self. You don’t have to jump right to “the past is the past so why dwell?” You can acknowledge that you are sad that person and the life you had during that space and time is gone. You can even grieve something you never had. Remember that no one experiences trauma the exact same way, even if they lived through the same event(s). If another victim is in a different place with their healing, that is okay. You do you. Reestablishing safety in the body after trauma requires calming the nervous system. No amount of talking about an event will do this. If you have the resources to go to therapy DO IT. Stop avoiding it. Trauma gets bigger and harder to treat the further it is stuffed down. EMDR Therapy specifically is a specialized approach that is a game changer in trauma treatment. Check out the EMDRIA website to learn more and to search for a provider in your area. If therapy is not your thing, or you don’t have the resources for it at the moment, other effective means of calming the nervous system include meditation, yoga, coloring, singing, dancing, daily exercise, massage, acupuncture, reiki, and craniosacral therapy. Avoid social isolation. Social isolation is often the body’s go to way of protecting itself and is a form of the “freeze” survival response. It’s okay to take space and time when you need it, but fight the urge to consistently self-isolate, and push away those that are trying to help. They want to help, and they will do their best to support you if you let them. It may not go perfectly, but if they are trying, keep them in your life.

One day in mid-March many teachers got the word that their schools would be closed for about 2 weeks. While still anxiety provoking, this they could handle. They told the little people they would see them soon and that they would miss them. They grabbed a few things from their classrooms and went home. For some, after having exactly 0 snow days, this actually felt like a welcome relief and some time to recharge. They had no idea they would not be coming back, and they had no idea they would not see some of those students ever again.